05/21/10
Expectations
Some days I’m clawing for worth. I mope around, looking under the couch for Charlie’s stuffed Bee while he whines behind me. Suddenly, I’m pining for the self I wanted to be when I was seven. The seven-year-old me wanted to be known, to have some measure of my value etched upon the world like a trophy. Then I could point at that trophy for relief when my field of confidence blows with tumbleweeds.
Look at my book I wrote! See my byline?! I am actually smart—it says so right there!
It’s an indulgent fantasy since most of my life is better than I imagined—Greg and my boys for example. There aren’t daydreams enough to equal the love I feel for them. And yet.
There are times that I’ve called Toby a big fat crybaby, or I’m annoyed at Greg for loving our cat more than I do, or I’m just feeling especially carnal for no immediate reason, and all I can do is compare myself to the nearest friend who seems to be doing things better. The friend is always sweeter, more genuine, more humble, more spiritual, more motherly, more likeable, more loved. When I resent her, I feel even worse about myself for being the villainous wretch in the fairy tale whom everyone despises.
If I were an alcoholic I would slosh down glass after glass of red wine to drown out my jealousy and disappointment. Since I’m not, I eat spoonfuls of Nutella right out of the jar and post something pithy on twitter to steal a few handfuls of admiration.
In Bird by Bird, Anne Lamott describes the literary life: “As a writer, one will have over the years many experiences that stimulate and nourish the spirit. These will be quiet and deep inside, however, unaccompanied by thunder and tremulous angels.” That statement could be written a thousand different ways. “As a mother…” “As a runner…” “As a human…”
Why aren’t the quietly nourishing experiences enough? Certain corners of my soul are satisfied without pomp. Like when I run, I set one foot in front of the other, one mile at a time, day after day. I don’t care that I will never be Paula Radcliffe, because I’m running to hear my own heart beat, and the effort is its own reward. Other parts of me are more vulnerable, less sure of their own intrinsic worth. They need to be stoked and coddled and assured. If I’m being honest, that really bothers me.
On my desk is a picture of four Indian children from a balwadi in Mumbai. When I feel especially introspective, I look them in the eye and ask them, “What do you need from me?” My pulse stops when they speak because I know it is God. Love us, they say. And that’s all.
They don’t need my importance. They don’t need my self-esteem. They don’t need my trophies. Neither do my friends, my husband, or my own children. The more perfect I am, the less I am useful to them. My fragile self takes their place in my heart.
Someone sent me a beautiful prayer yesterday, written by Father Larry Hein, mentor to Brennen Manning:
May all your expectations be frustrated, may all your plans be thwarted, may all your desires be withered into nothingness, if it proves necessary for you to experience the powerlessness and poverty of a child and sing and dance in the love of God who is Father, Son and Spirit.
That is my hope—yield to the things that rub the shine off my penny, because those are the very things making me great. I’m not seven anymore, so I don’t have to think like I did then. I can put my head down, one patch of road at a time, and run past my insecurity to the place where nothing remains. No trophies. No thunder. No tremulous angels.
And then there’s room enough for love.
Tags: Destination
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Andi… 1st, you are my nutella friend now and that makes you my favorite (and Kroger has a store brand that is perfection on the cheap)… ;o) 2nd.. I have been mulling over that quote for days and I should have known it came from that someone. Even after this short span.. somtimes I feel like I’m drowning in daily diapers and dishesand popcorn crumbs on the floor or my failure to conqure them. Thank you for the adjusted perspective.
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You are back! And better than ever, what a wonderful post…makes me think, and ponder, and question and I liked it.
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I love this I will visit often.
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Mmmmm Nutella… I’m starting to think… maybe we were separated at birth… !
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How refreshing. Love reading your posts. It’s like you put in words, so perfectly, exactly what my heart is trying to say. I never could state it so beautifully the way you do. So gifted Andi. Thanks for sharing
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Andi – You are a wonderful woman, wife, mom, writer, friend, sister, daughter, and to me a very special prayer warrior.
I thank God each and every day for giving you the gift of love. It shows in so many ways. Thank you for loving me, when I didn’t feel lovable. Thank you for showing me that friendships with women are possible. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being such a wonderful obedient woman of God.
I love you sweet friend.
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Andi-
What an amazing post! I know God led me straight to it because it is exactly what I needed. So often I find myself in exactly that place, seeking worth, wanting so badly to be “known” and loved, comparing myself to others, striving for perfection. What a great reminder that I just need to keep on loving. Thank you for being so honest and real!
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“something pithy on twitter to steal a few handfuls of admiration”…how much more transparent could you be? Girl, I love how you put the pen to our often vain motives.
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*Sigh*. Love it. Relate to it. Amazing.
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So glad you are back to blogging! I struggle so much with being consistent with mine. I love how you always write from your heart and you are always so real.
I am constantly letting go of what I thought I would be (sometimes kicking and screaming along the way) and grabbing hold of every moment of who I am. It’s just that I don’t recognize her sometimes – I lived so long with all these dreams I had. But you’re so right – God has blessed me so much with people and things I never knew I wanted. They fill my heart with so much good stuff. And I have to trust I am living the life that’s best for me, planned out by the Creator of the Universe. And I live another day, trying not to get in the way of what He’s doing. I still have my dreams, but I leave the weight of them with the One who wants to carry them – the load is too much for me to bear. And I know that just over the horizon another dream is waiting, though I may not recognize it, and I hope that I’ll be able to see it with His eyes.
Looking forward to lots more of your writing for Mom’s Moments in a couple of months!
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WOW! Andy….this blog post spoke so much to me! I found it today randomly while going through the blog world. I love your honesty about yourself mainly because I can relate so much to it! I feel the same way in searching for significance in my life. The pursuit of trying to show people how much I’m worth is so draining! Right? It sure does keep me humble in knowing that I don’t need that reassurance from anyone else to find my significance. But my pride just keeps trickling back up and telling me that i do need it. Your illustrations through your words is just incredible!!! Makes me think a lot!!
I’m going to follow your blog now! LOve it and I’m so glad I found it today!!!
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