I sent my oldest son, Toby, to Kindergarten this morning. The drive to the school took five minutes. Five short minutes to surrender my child to the large and wicked world.
I started crying before we even made it through the double doors. It might have been the functionality of his school: the student monitors stationed around the circle drive, the teachers on walkie-talkies organizing drop-off, the parents swinging briskly through the car line as if the world weren’t ending. How did everyone else know what they were doing? Greg and I trudged up the front walk, our tiny baby son between us, very unready to let him go.
Toby was brilliant. None of the order and rush of the school bothered him. He said, “I’m so excited!” It felt strange. Three months ago he still cried when I dropped him at preschool. Today he was confident– a small, sweet, sparkly-eyed boy with his stuffed Dalmatian Samson peeking out of his backpack. He held my hand and for the first time, I knew he was doing it for my sake and not his own.
All of the kids and parents had to wait in the gym before the bell rang. I fake-smiled at the other moms, though I really wanted to watch the whole scene from a private room where I could noisy cry by myself. All I could think about was Toby’s new cargo shorts and how much he looked like Greg in them. “Don’t help me pull up my shorts,” he said while getting dressed this morning. “You have to do it yourself when you are in Kindergarten.” And he could.
He could also walk into his classroom without clinging to my shin, hang up his Lightning McQueen backpack on the hook labeled “Toby,” and find his own friends to sit with at a table. And all of that, though I’ve been working toward those goals for five years, made me inconsolably sad.
I didn’t want him to howl and lock his arms around my neck when it was time for me to go, but his total competence shattered the view I have of him, that pink-cheeked newborn swaddled up like a pea pod. I’m excited that he is growing into the man I always wanted him to be. He is everything I hoped for him and more. It’s just happening so much faster than I thought it would.
But I’m so proud of him. My dear sweet baby boy.
Oh my gosh, Andi, this is beautiful! It brought tears to my eyes. I can so relate, too. Toby is such a good, sweet, and FUNNY boy! I know he’ll do great in K. I love how he still put Samson in his backpack!!!!! So cute!!!
…and that sums it up! beautifully written and articulated and very similar to how it went on my end. Again I can say, I’m glad I am not going through this alone! Here is to hoping I don’t cry on day 2!
Your story brought back memories (and tears) of both of my children’s first day of school…now for the next generation! Can’t believe it!
I was thinking of you today and praying for y’all!
Did you have to post a picture of our babies! (JK) I love it! Made me cry on the last day of their first week. I am so proud of them. They did awesome and had a great week. Beautiful writing. You put into words what most mom’s were thinking.
Love you
School starts next week here in Canada. I’ve decided to join my sons this year and become a lunch-room supervisor. Never thought I’d type those words (!) but I am excited at the possibilities of praying in the place where Josiah and Elijah spend 30 hours of their week, and hopefully I can be Jesus to some kids who really need to see a glimpse of Him – may I portray Him well to the children – theirs is the kingdom of heaven, right?
So, should I tell you that it doesn’t get any better when you drop them off for 6th grade?
Dear heavens, I cried all the way home from his middle school that morning. And it’s been 4 weeks and I still plead the blood of Jesus over that boy.
“Dear God, please protect my son. And if something awful ever happens to him, please surround me with your peace. That’s all I need. Your peace.”
Love you.
Oh my, I did this 4 times and each time was so different. It is so amazing to watch each boy become a man. I still wonder how it can feel so good and hurt so bad. God is so good to me!! He let me be their mom, I am so grateful for the adventure of it all. And it happens again when you drop them off at middle school, high school and college. And now there’s a wedding…what will that day feel like?